Right after editing the last story, a wave of self-doubts came crashing down on me.
Will it work out?
Previously, I revealed my plan for writing consistently this year, because I want to enjoy writing again. But I wonder if it will do fine. In less than two weeks, I will be sitting for my Autumn finals in my third year at university. The problem? I am not ready.
Sure, I have done something in the past few study weeks. Sure, one can never be fully ready — no amount of revisions is ever enough. But I knew my preparation was really not enough. The worst thing is that part of the reason was losing a few days to procrastination and escapism, which I talked about in some of the old stories.
I thought about my dear Goldilocks Principle again. I adore the idea of trying something new if the current methods don't work until you find the middle way — the Goldilocks — that will finally change something for the better. I even have the tagline on my laptop wallpaper.
Nothing changes unless something changes.
And it has actually helped me so far. I haven't gotten stuck in the YouTube rabbit hole for about 100 days (at the time of writing) — a long time, considering I would relapse every few days in the past. I also haven't lost myself reading manga excessively for an even longer time.
But, still, I messed up a few times recently. It’s not because The Goldilocks Principle wasn’t working, but because the principle was working. Remember, nothing changes unless something changes. If the circumstances change, so must you in response to keep the Goldilocks, Goldilocks.
And I did not make any changes even as my environment changed.
When the study weeks began, I went back from university to my hometown, and — boom — I was back in my comfort zone. I lost the streak of "no reading manga excessively" for a few days, and then slowly changed to reading novels on my Kindle too late into the night. Like, “until 2 to 4 am” kind of late. Then, I would get up around 11 am or noon.
At one point, I sensed the same feeling I had back in my old intense "waste man" days, the times when I would get up in the afternoons or evenings (yes, you saw that right).
The day has already ended when you want to begin.
Besides, I am in an engineering competition to design a process to manufacture sustainable aviation fuel. The first deadline? In less than two weeks, too. I also dared to update one of my Notion templates and devote attention to this blog. Oh, don't forget the internship applications I must work on. All these while having to prep for my important finals.
Waste time? What some balls of audacity I had.
As the clock ticks away, I find my available time shrinking, yet my pile of worries remains the same — growing. Honestly, I'm grappling with the idea of whether I can publish two posts a week this month (Jan 2024).
I felt stuck.
🔄️ The turning point
Just days ago, I was doing fine, steering clear of my old, destructive habits. But a nagging insecurity lingered.
How is this possible?
What is helping me out?
Are the changes in place now really Goldilocks?
I felt insecure. I don’t know if this brief period of “sobriety” will last. And I was right because I relapsed again shortly after.
That was when I remembered a tweet by Alex & Books:
It blew my mind.
Why didn’t I think of this?
Why did I forget something so obvious?
I realized that I lacked the information needed to make changes. And not just any changes, but those that move the needle towards sustainable "sobriety" and, at least, getting ready for my finals.
I immediately got Ali Abdaal's Feel Good Productivity. It opened my eyes and gave me the sudden inspiration to write I Want to Enjoy Writing Again & this post. In one single night. Crazy.
I'm diving into that book, among others, on a quest for those hidden gems that could help piece my life back together, again.
It’s painful to write the word “again” here. But I guess that's what the Goldilocks Principle is all about — it's a marathon, not a sprint. It's all about finding that balance for a lasting “sobriety”, for a life that's a story worth telling.
And let's be real, spending my days lost in manga or tumbling down the Reddit rabbit hole until the wee hours won’t help.
But reading the right books will take me there, closer.
—Thomas🦙
P.S. That's the first week of "two posts a week" done. It's looking promising, but this is the point where it is most likely to fall apart. We’ll see🤞
🏆 Weekly Gold
Each week, I share something I found interesting with you. It could be a song, a book, a quote, or a YouTube video that blew my mind.
Here’s the gold this week 👇
Perhaps that’s how writing has been an outlet for me to learn to live my authentic self again. Every time I write and publish a new piece, I feel like I’m closer to my truth about how I’ve been operating so far and how I could change for the better, or even discovering something from inside of me that I unknowingly buried and forgot.
…For that reason writing can be intimate as well, because you’re sharing pieces of yourself. It’s a gateway to connecting with others who may feel the same way or perhaps even inspire them to share their stories too.
—Yi Hui, Why I Write (Take 2)
There are two golds this week, as I find them closely related. Yi Hui put the thoughts about what writing means to me into apt words, while Laurita reminded me about writing what you resonate with, rather than what’s trending to get likes and stuff.
Great pieces to end the week with.
Other credits:
Blaz Photo on Unsplash, for the cover photo.