In Greek mythology, there’s a thing called Pandora‘s box (or jar). It was said that Zeus had filled countless creatures of evil and suffering in there, gave it to Pandora, “bestowed” upon her an immense curiosity, and told her not to open it.
Then, you guess it. After days of temptations, Pandora eventually gave in and opened the box, letting out all those shits to plague humanity. Yay.
But one thing stood up from this myth — among all the creatures, there’s one called Hope which didn’t escape like every other. While writing this week’s story, I thought about its similarity to this myth, and I wondered,
How would Pandora have felt if Hope had left too?
In the past, I often talked about my reckless pursuit of pleasures. In Freedom, I shared how disappointing it had been to fail at thwarting a temptation for some quick dopamine hits — even after trying hard not to. Eventually, I began to accept that this is just how things are in life — you fall, you get back up, you fall again, you get back up again.
But it sucks to keep falling. If you fall too many times and too many times at the same thing especially, you may stop believing in getting back up altogether.
For some time, I thought about this. Then I realized that deep in me, there is an answer to this predicament; a space in Pandora’s box where Hope remained. It took a long while for me to truly understand it, but today, I see it as my best bet to heal and move on.
⚖️ The principle of ”just right”
In the 19th-century fairy tale — Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Goldilocks is the girl who sought “just right” in the things she encountered.
The “just right” bed. Not too hard nor too soft.
The “just right” chair. Not too big nor too small.
The “just right” temperature of porridge. Not too hot nor too cold.
I first read this story when I was a kid. But it wasn’t until many years later when I read a newsletter that I began to interpret it differently. Like the fairy tale, The Goldilocks Principle talks about finding the “just right” in anything we do.
This reminds me of Buddhism. Buddha, the founder of the religion once lived a sheltered life of luxury until leaving the palace one day and encountering an old man, a sick man, and a corpse. He then decided to seek enlightenment via ascetic practices including intense fasting.
While doing so, he heard an old musician speaking to his pupil,
If you tighten the string too much, it will snap. And if you leave it too slack, it won’t play.
It was later known as the Middle Way in Buddhism — a practice to facilitate enlightenment by taking the middle path between extreme self-gratification on one hand and extreme self-mortification on the other.
While I’m not religious, that right there is a big-ass, mind-blowing and life-changing lesson. It relates heavily to The Goldilocks Principle — how it’s helping me to recover faster after every relapse, and feel more okay with trying again.
🌱 How it is helping me
1. Extremism isn’t the way.
When linking the Middle Way of Buddhism to The Goldilocks Principle, I start to see that extreme methods don’t help, at least not for long.
Take binging on YouTube for example. Banning it from my life entirely is “extreme self-mortification”, because there are benefits to this platform — the problem doesn’t lie in YouTube itself. But, continuing to overindulge in it is “extreme self-gratification”. I am merely giving up on solving this problem altogether.
That’s why the only way is the middle way between both extremes. And to find the “just right” method that works for me, I learned to understand the next point.👇
2. The only way out is to keep trying (new) things out.
By “trying things out”, I don’t mean trying the exact same thing again, because
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.
—Albert Einstein (probably)
To find the “just right” that works for me, I have to keep trying new things out and improve from my trials. More importantly, I will get to be okay with failing when trying new things out. When you truly get this, you beat yourself up less after every setback. You heal faster to reflect on what went right or wrong, and try again.
⚠️ But there are caveats
1. Without a strong “why”, the “how” is useless.
When we talk about “just right”, it’s all about the “how”. How to wake up early. How to limit your time on Netflix. How to study consistently. How to form good relationships. So on and so forth.
The Goldilocks Principle itself is a “how” for dealing with failures. It has given me the courage to accept them for what they are — experience — and to reflect and make new changes until I find the “just right” method to overcome the challenge.
But, in the first place, why do you want to do that?
Of course, you would like to fix your phone addiction. You know how miserable 10+ hours of screen time has been making you feel. But is it as simple as that? Why do you want to spend less time on your phone? What do you plan to do with the time you save up? To waste more time elsewhere? Why bother?
If there’s no reason you feel strongly about, you may find yourself going back to the same shit after a short while. Because no “how” will help if there is no strong “why”.
When there is no will, there is no way.
2. The best “just right” may not be the best forever.
If you’ve found your “just right”, congratulations, you’ve come so far after possibly tons of failures and self-doubts. You finally got rid of your TikTok addiction and started having better sleep at night.
But it’s easy to think that this method/system — one you’ve worked hard and long to turn into an effective solution to your challenge — will work forever. It’s tempting to think that “overcoming a challenge” equals “we don’t have to deal with it anymore”.
Why? Because challenges evolve with time.
Some time ago, I managed to experience the joy of going to bed before midnight, and waking up naturally without the need for alarms. It felt like a superpower, and I attributed this paradigm shift to some minor yet significant changes I made.
In other words, discovering my “just right”.
However, things fell apart after a week or so. Because I went back home (my comfort zone) from college, and the routines fell out of place. At the same time, some events happened in my life which threw things off course.
It sounded like I had failed at the same thing again. But no. Right then, my challenge was fundamentally the same — to get good sleep. But my circumstances and some properties of the challenge had changed. When you think about it, it becomes unfair for me to feel disheartened for failing.
So, challenges are like bacteria. Your methods are the antibiotics against them. You can’t just come up with one antibiotic and leave it be — even if it’s working. Because bacteria grow immune to antibiotics over time. You want to constantly adapt to prevent superbugs — bacteria that cannot be cured by any existing antibiotics. A challenge that cannot be overcome.
I find this saying relatable👇
No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.
—Heraclitus
For it’s not the same river (challenge) and he’s not the same man (circumstances). When it happens, apply The Goldilocks Principle again. Because you are always in the process of trial and error to find the “just right” to adapt.
And with this belief, Hope may never leave.
Have a cookie 🍪
—Thomas
🥇 Weekly Gold
Each week, I share one thing I found interesting with you. It could be a song, a book, a quote, or a YouTube video that blew my mind.
Here’s the gold this week 👇
Credit:
Cover photo by Matt Ridley on Unsplash