I Can Only Face It Myself
A story of when I almost dropped out of university.
Some time ago, I had a phone call with a friend. He is the same friend who gave up his stable career in Australia and moved back home to start a business that is doing well today. Remember the guy from What’s the Worst Thing That Could Happen? Yeah, that’s him.
I was at a low point, on the brink of taking a sabbatical from university or dropping out entirely, albeit holding a scholarship that waives four years’ worth of tuition fees.
We talked about that. About how I have been feeling about the course. About why I don’t see myself walking the path it would take me.
Somewhere along the conversation, he told me about a story of a guy a few years older than me, who gave up his fully-funded engineering degree at Oxford University and took a leap of faith in his entrepreneurial journey.
He didn’t look back. And he didn’t need to. Because it turned up well and even made him into the Forbes 30 Under 30 Asia List - Class of 2020.
My friend asked if I had something like that guy. An idea. A vision I would like to see come true in this world after breaking out of the shackles of the university. I couldn’t think of any. He then wanted me to talk about the side hustles I’d been doing. About those things I said I wish to do if I quit or take a leave. About building Notion templates and learning how to code.
And he asked,
Do you really need to leave university to do those things?
I took some time to ponder. And I said no. Because Easlo — the frontrunner and one of the pioneers in the world of Notion template creation — crossed $200k revenue in 2022.
Who was he when he first started? A high schooler.
I have seen many examples of creators who are working a full-time job or studying, but could still achieve great results creating part-time.
🅰️ “Then you have your answer.”
When I heard that line over the phone, I was taken aback a little. Deep down in me, when I told my friend about my wish to leave university, I knew not being excited about the course was the tip of the iceberg. What lies underneath it — where the sun does not shine — was the actual reason I’ve been subconsciously turning my eyes from.
I blamed being stuck with doing things I don’t enjoy much as the reason I can’t do things I enjoy. I blamed it for having made me spend hours looking at meaningless videos on YouTube, scrolling through Instagram reels, and wasting my life away.
I thought I felt the same way as this guy.
I decided to leave because I felt the time for me to pursue things I wanted to do in my life was now and college was holding me back from that.
But, in reality, I knew I was pushing the responsibilities away. Every day, I could imagine that there are three doors in front of me, each leading to a different activity and a different outcome.
What I don’t enjoy doing
What I enjoy doing
The “escape”
I wonder — on days I chose to open the third door — was I under the shackles of the first door that stopped me from opening the second, even if I wanted to? Was it like, “I don’t want to do things I hate, and I can’t do things I like because I must do things I hate, so the only choice is to escape from choosing”?
I find it funny as I write this. Because no matter how many times I ask myself the same questions these days, I always hear the same thing I once said to a friend at university,
No matter where I go, I’ll have to deal with discipline in one way or another.
Even if I did leave college and do the things I enjoy full-time, it wouldn’t turn up the way I wanted it to. I’m sure of that. Because the root of the problem isn’t whether I’m doing what I love or hate, but self-discipline.
Walking the path I don’t enjoy much — as I’m doing now — is only making this challenge of self-discipline harder to overcome. And walking the path I enjoy — as I’m hoping to do — will only make it easier to overcome.
It will never go away.
🆘 “I can’t help you with that”
When I told my friend about what I’m telling you now, I had an expected, honest response,
This is the only thing I can’t help you with. You’ll have to face it yourself.
As much as I understood that, I felt conflicted. I felt left alone to fend off the inner demon of hedonism which is also present in my friend’s life, your life, and everyone else’s life. It is not his fault for not helping me. He just can’t.
Because I can only face it myself.
🧠 The Afterthought
As I’m telling you this story, I’m also recovering from a slump that I fell into yesterday. For the past few weeks, I have been noticing a trend.
Before falling into a slump and wasting my life away in the virtual world, I was feeling terrible.
I realized I had been treating each slump as a way to escape the negative emotions I was feeling. Sometimes, it could be writer’s block. A bad day in interpersonal relationships. A stressful day studying things even when I knew I had better things to spend my time on.
I could also see a way out. And it is not by dropping out of university to do the things I wish to do. It is by recognizing that the problem does not lie in studying a course I have less interest in. It is by facing my relationship with hedonism and self-discipline head-on. It is by trying various ways, falling many times, and getting back up until I stop falling the same way again.
This is tiring, indeed. I wrote about how I felt really, really bad after a slump — even after trying many ways to prevent from getting into one again. But, I know it is still worth trying. Because I have a place in life worth going to. And it requires me to deal with this challenge to get there.
Even if I can only face it myself.
🍪
—Thomas
P.S.
This week’s story is a little tough to write. It sounds pessimistic, but writing it and knowing that it’s gonna be read helps me to reflect more constructively, rather than beating myself up and dwelling on the past. If you’re facing something similar, I hope my story helps you to realize that you are not alone. Cheers.
🥇 Weekly Gold
Each week, I share one thing I found interesting with you. It could be a song, a book, a quote, or a YouTube video that blew my mind.
Here’s the gold this week 👇
I first came across Elliot in a video about his entire college experience in 12 minutes a year ago. It was about how he started a business selling taco holders on Amazon, but failed to the point of having only $1.85 in his account. About how he went into a slump playing Fortnite all day. About how he had his ups and downs and turned things around like how a movie character would.
This video is like a sequel to that. It made me reflect on where my life is going now, and to do something about it if it isn’t going where I’d like it to be.
Credit: Cover photo by Vladislav Klapin on Unsplash