Sliding the power sign off to the right, I stayed in bed with my eyes on the ceiling and a phone by my side.
It was past 4 in the morning. And it would’ve been calm had it not been some confused roosters crowing before the sun came out. Well, not that I could blame them. Unlike me, these T-Rex descendants didn’t spend hours staring at a screen without sleep.
I was thinking.
Thinking about the times I had felt the same way as I did now — grieving after another pursuit of pleasures. Stuck in the vicious cycle of “productive" and "wasteman”, I wondered,
Is there a way out?
I didn’t have a clue that night. And the past taught me well enough that 4 in the morning isn’t a good time to figure things out. As reluctant as I was, sleep was the better option.
Looking back, I thought,
If there’s a reason why I’ve been stuck in a rut since 2019, it’s most likely the absence of a sense of belonging.
🌱 The beginning
Back in secondary school, I was lucky to have met those who formed my version of “me and the boys”. Even my class in the final two years was another circle I enjoyed being a part of.
Me and the boys
But, as the school arc ended and the wait for exam results began, I discovered something new — freedom.
The pressure of the “most important exam in life” was no more.
The commitment to extracurricular activities was no more.
The guilt from being a wasteman was no more.
It was a period of splurging time, and as we all know,
It’s easier to splurge than to save.
That was when the seed of the wasteman rut got planted.
🅰️ The A-Level arc
After six months, I took the A-Level path in July 2019. None of the boys, heck, no one I knew walked the same path. It was a decision I regretted making when I arrived in a place away from home and from the community I felt belonged.
Part of me knew I needed to make new friends. But, forming a new close-knit community takes time.
I guess mostly staying home in those six months took away my confidence in socializing. It worsened later in a class where almost everyone was a math god. Comparing with them was a big slap on my already low self-esteem.
Joining a new community, thinking that it’d never be better than the one I adored most, was hard. Though it wasn’t their fault, it was tough to find comfort in being with people that made you feel inferior and lonely.
So, what did I do?
I sought comfort in ignorance; in running away from participating in the academic race. No competition = no loss.
I sought comfort in solitude; in using it as an excuse to avoid seeing how hard everyone was working.
I sought comfort in hedonism; in drowning in the pool of pleasures to distract myself from every bit of inferiority and loneliness.
This was a mistake.
🎓 The university arc
At this point, I had asked it many times,
Is there a way out?
I still couldn’t understand why I’d waste my life away for pleasures that last for a while, and pain that lasts forever.
What I knew was the existence of this vicious cycle – waste time, regret, use time wisely, feel happy, and repeat.
So, since the A-Level arc, I kept trying things out to break out.
Doing study-with-me live streams on YouTube was one. It exploited my fear of being looked down upon. Knowing I was being observed encouraged me to work hard even at a place vulnerable to the tempting pleasures — my home.
Entering university, I was still a little afraid to socialize. But, I joined a club & took up an active role, which was something I stopped doing after the secondary school arc.
It was another attempt to break out. Days in A-Level had taught me that minimizing extracurricular activities to focus on studying was a failure.
More time doesn’t mean greater productivity. I just have more time to waste.
For the first few months, I was glad to find the community welcoming. As mentioned in the letter on solitude & companionship, it was during this period that I realized a sense of belonging was what I’d been missing out on.
But, this strategy didn’t last long.
Perhaps, the comfort I felt in solitude and hedonism was greater. Taking advantage of the virtual lectures, I reduced my social time and ventured deeper into the vicious cycle.
💡 The realization
After three years, I could confidently say that, each time I splurge my time, I was pushed further away from my dreams — good grades, good universities, good scholarships, good relationships, good health, good discipline and a good life.
But, I could also confidently say,
If there’s a reason why I’ve been stuck in a rut since 2019, it is the absence of a sense of belonging.
And the result was
I sought comfort in ignorance, solitude, and hedonism to fill the void where the sense of belonging should’ve been.
After proactively hanging out with friends during this summer break, I reaffirmed that reconnecting with the community was what reduced the urge to seek comfort elsewhere.
If you have a community you feel belonged, you won’t ignore your fear of inferiority, but be driven to be better, perhaps together.
If you have a community you feel belonged, you won’t be struck with loneliness and an unhealthy reliance on solitude.
If you have a community you feel belonged, you won’t seek pleasures elsewhere often, and hedonism stops being an addiction.
The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it is human connection.
—Johann Hari, Everything You Think You Know About Addiction is Wrong
That said, building a close-knit community takes time. You might not even find people you could form strong bonds with. Sometimes, it may feel better to be alone than to deal with the dramas from interpersonal relationships.
But, reading The Courage to be Disliked by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi has taught me one thing.
If all problems are interpersonal relationship problems, then all solutions can be found by forming strong interpersonal relationships.
And the solutions would include the way out.
So, don't give up.
—Thomas