Am I Doing Enough?

On the next path and feeling enough.

Dear friend,

Recently, I’ve been feeling a little down. Not all the time nor most of the time. Just sometimes when I was by myself, commuting or trying to sleep. It’s been a long time (almost a year) since I last wrote at Not Alone Club. A lot have happened. At times, I found myself wanting to tell you something, then realised there was a lot of contexts you need to know to understand that “something”. So, most of the time, I just didn’t write at all.

For most of Not Alone Club, I was a student. From my times in A-Levels (back when it was known as thomasforearth) to my journey through university as an engineering student. I have always felt the need to do something different. To be different.

In 2019, the drive to strive took the front seat when a young entrepreneur came to my college and gave a talk. One of the lines he left us with was inspiring yet scary at the same time. Paraphrased,

Look around you. Your peers, same course or not, are going to be your competitors in a few years. You may be eyeing for the same jobs. Same companies. Same resources.

What makes you different?

What makes you different?

I can’t tell if there was a pivotal moment that sparked my desire to be different, but this would be the catalyst.

I remember writing for Asian Scientist Writing Prize (ASWP) and stupidly submitted a word doc instead of PDF because I thought they would want to edit it just in case. Well, I doubt I would have made it past 400+ other entries even in PDF. But I was glad to have done it.

Later that year, I remember having the courage to knock on a professor’s door on an unscheduled visit (context: we don’t know each other. I stumbled upon his office and tried to meet him a few times but kept missing him) introducing myself, and asking for an unpaid, voluntary internship at his research centre on carbon capture and utilisation. All while being a pre-university kid who knew nothing technical about that topic and didn’t need to do it anyway.

I remember starting writing online at thomasforearth, driven heavily by Thomas Frank’s blog post on building a personal blog and some relevant content by Ali Abdaal.

I remember seeing people my age or younger doing great things in the world. I read about a few of them when drafting for ASWP. There was a sense of inferiority and restlessness on wanting to be someone like that. To be different.

Of course, life got in the way. As an amateur in coping mechanisms, I often chose doom-scrolling and/or binge-watching to chase after pleasures or - as I eventually learned from Dr. K - to chase after the absence of pain. Ups and downs. Sometimes coherent and productive. Sometimes fearful, stressed and retreating back to the poor coping mechanisms which served yet numbed me.

That went on to university days. Both the drive to strive and be different, and the imperfect journey of handling negative emotions and shits that happened in life.

As the four-year chapter at university came to an end, I felt a little disheartened, tinged with fear, from time to time.

I

I remember learning from a podcast somewhere that being in university is easier than “entering society”, as one puts it. While college isn’t for everyone, it is far easier for most because we have a common goal clearly defined for us — to graduate and to do it well.

How well depends on the student. It could mean the academic excellence of getting on the Dean’s list every year, undertaking an internship every semester break, and graduating at the top of the class (or at least first class) with your professors praying for success in your future endeavours.

It could also mean making good memories with peers, going through the good and bad times of being a student, venting about your uncooperative teammate(s), working on assignments late at night with your friends, and generally living your best uni life.

No matter what, the end goal is always the same — to graduate and to do it well. You don’t need to come up with it. You don’t even need to consciously make it a goal. It is a given fact that no one has to bring up.

But when you step into the real world, the society, the “big bad world” as my professor likes to call it, you may realise that the end goal becomes less clear. For some, it is to earn good money to do what they want, whenever they want, and wherever they want. For others, it is to have their dream jobs and do meaningful things that make life worth living.

The point is, the options of end goals are generally far greater than studying at university. Depending on what kind of life you are living now, your goals may vary by a huge degree. In fact, the higher you are up Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the greater the things you want to do and can do.

Coming out of university, the questions shifted from:

“What modules should I take?”

“Which assignment should I do first?”

to:

“What do you want?”

“How do you live?”

II

Many things have happened since I last wrote here. I did an internship in a cool company with great people who taught me that data is what guides meaningful changes. The good old, “In God we trust. All others have to bring data” — I learned that from Don’t Trust Your Gut by Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, then coincidentally hearing the same thing from my director of engineering department.

Completing the uni life in June and, as my personal tutor at university said, “finally able to do what you (I) want”, I took a break before taking up a short industry experience project consulting for an Australian agri-tech startup. It was my first official step to learn more about data. The first shot at climbing the mountain called data science.

Knowing me, learning data science and languages like Python by myself would be a sprint that would end in failure. Remember, poor coping mechanisms. I’m still dealing with them. Add a mix of procrastination, perfectionism, and imposter syndrome — and nothing meaningful would get done.

So, I signed up for a government program aimed to get youths (like me) into tech. I took up a certification on data analytics with Python for a month (still completing it because, remember, poor coping mechanisms and…you get it now). The program has a unique element that requires you to complete an attachment (traineeship) with a company for three months thereafter. You learn as you work in the tech field of your choice in the real world.

That’s what I’m doing now. As a trainee in data engineering and AI, I’ve been learning a lot that it surprised me sometimes when I thought about trying Python for the first time back in August.

Alright, I believe I have digressed and build enough context to make a full circle in our story.

Let’s start again.

III

Recently, I’ve been feeling a little down. Not all the time nor most of the time. Just sometimes when I was by myself, commuting or trying to sleep. It’s been a long time (almost a year) since I last wrote at Not Alone Club. A lot have happened.

As I’m slowly becoming an ex-trainee and thus jobless, I wonder what I can do next. It’s funny to think about how, back in university, I was the guy who desired freedom and being different. My personal tutor even left me with a positive message of “you can finally do what you want”.

I felt both thrilled and afraid.

When I came out of university, out of a relatively structured environment with a clear end goal, I desired a similar structure in my life. I wanted to know what to do and where doing it would lead me to.

Perhaps, joining the Australian consulting project was an example. Joining the government program was another.

It was the hypocrisy of wanting freedom from structures and wanting structures in freedom.

I wonder what I can do next. What I should do next.

Getting a good job is the most obvious answer. But what kind? What is a good job? (Spoiler: check out 80,000 Hours). One that pays well? One that lets you “follow your passion”?

Lately, I have been browsing LinkedIn feed on my phone (though not addictive enough to doom-scroll). Remember when I read about people my age or younger doing great things in the world? I still see people like them and feel similar to back then.

Sometimes I get pumped up and do something. Sometimes I feel dejected and wonder if I am doing enough. Because when I look at others, I don’t feel that I am.

The good, old act of comparing oneself to others is never going to go away. I try not to think much about it. I try to write more positively but it’s two in the morning now since inspiration came knocking a little past midnight.

Still, let’s end this story on a good note.

Am I doing enough?

On one hand, there is a notion to appreciate being enough. “You are enough” is one of the popular lines in the world of mental health and self-care. A similar version is “just be yourself” because you are enough just the way you are.

While I get the intention, the idea can be detrimental. If one, for (an extreme) example, thinks living off their parents forever and doing nothing meaningful all day is enough, that is a terrible use of “you are enough” and “just be yourself”.

Zooming out, the world will cease to progress if everyone thinks this way. As Morgan Housel, author of The Psychology of Money (and recently The Art of Spending Money) said in a podcast not long ago, which I paraphrased,

The world is a better place because there are people in this world who wake up and feel that this is not enough.

So, how do we solve this? How do we appreciate being enough while, at the same time, fulfil our desire for a better world and a better life, because they are not enough?

As I write to this point, I remember watching an anime that left a mark in my life. A Place Further than the Universe (宇宙よりも遠い場所) was the anime that made me cry the night before my IELTS exam. After finishing the series, I watched a few videos about it to reminisce, one of which highlighted the main character, Kimari’s great fear.

Am I doing enough?

To that, the narrator said,

I keep coming back to my original question, “Am I doing enough?”. Enough according to who? Myself or these external pressures? It shouldn’t be about easy A’s or ticking off life benchmarks like a shopping list. Kimari didn’t go to Antartica to measure up to the people around her. Quite the opposite. She embarked on this journey because she wanted to, she had to. And in doing so, discovered her place within herself.

Maybe you don’t have to travel to the ends of the earth to locate that. Even so, we all have to find that place, our place, further than the universe.

“Am I doing enough?” is a flawed question, that is, if you don’t know what “enough” means to you. Its definition can vary with time, the context or the area of life. Like the meaning of life, you can’t live a meaningful life if you don’t know what “a meaningful life” means to you.

You can’t feel enough if you don’t know what it means to you.

While you and I are leading two different lives, I find Derek Sivers’ words applicable in most of our lives.

Never forget why you are doing what you’re doing. Are you helping people? Are they happy? Are you happy? Are you profitable? Isn’t that enough?

It reminds you to define your “enough”. It also gives you some ideas of what “enough” could mean when viewing your life as a whole, and when struggling in the face of adversity.

With this in mind, I feel better. I hadn’t thought about that line before we came to that point in the story. I forgot. But writing this somehow reminded me about it.

It’s not about building a strong LinkedIn profile or landing a dream job. It’s about building great relationships and maintaining them, doing things that could sustain yourself and perhaps your loved ones, and making good memories together.

In my journey of trying to live a better story, that is what enough means to me.

So, when shits happen, when things don’t go your way, the first line of Derek’s words come into mind,

Never forget why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Remember what enough means to you, ignore the bells and whistles, and make sustainable progress towards it while enjoying the journey along the way towards the destination.

And when you get there, when you get to where “enough” means to you, cease and appreciate. For both the journey and destination are equally meaningful parts of a good story you’re trying to live.

—Thomas

P.S. Have a good life ahead.