Some time ago, I had a talk with a friend — the same friend who sent me that picture of the night sky in Adelaide. Let’s call her Leni.
It was a little past midnight — often the comfortable time for a comfortable heart-to-heart.
We spoke about my concerns. About how it felt as though we had been going with the flow. Relaxed. Perhaps, too relaxed when it comes to hanging out and letting others or the flow of events dictate how we spend our time and — more specifically — when we sleep.
Moving into this house for the first time, with good people around as housemates, has been amazing. I enjoyed the times when we talked about things we wouldn’t usually bring up in a day-to-day chatter; when we just laughed at stupid things together.
These sessions often happened at night. There were times when we were so into it that we would stay up really late. Sometimes two in the morning. Sometimes four.
When it was the latter, everyone would feel terrible the next day. I would, too, feel tired and unmotivated, as if the next day was essentially lost.
After a few late-night sessions, I wondered if they were worth it. My few years of a love-hate relationship with sleep have taught me that sleep dictates many things in my life. Lose it and everything else falls apart.
If not now, eventually, it will.
⏰ I wanted to wake up at 5
I told Leni about going to bed early. I said I wanted to get up super early, like 5 or 6, in the morning — an hour or two before sunrise. I thought about using dinner as my cut-off time, after which I would stop working/studying, and slowly wind down for bed. I wanted to wake up before the sun rises; before everyone else, and hustle to build a life I desire.
Indeed, when I was in A-Level a few years ago, I did so for a few nights — going to bed around 9 or 10 p.m., and waking up as early as 5 in the morning. It felt really good, as though the world was still asleep, and you were given a head start in life. I would get things done and look at the time and smile that it was still early. I would get so much done and there was still so much time left.
But, as days flew by, I felt a surge of loneliness. Having a schedule like that — in a world where most people don't — meant having more time by yourself, and less time with others. When I tried waking up at 6.30 a.m. recently, I felt the same emotion welling up in me as I did a few years ago.
A tiny void within.
As though something was lost.
As though there was an unmet human need.
Sure, the world is still asleep. Sure, it feels great to be “ahead” and hustle to build a good life. Sure, I have all the quiet time I need to get things done without the fear of missing out or being distracted.
But the world is still asleep. It feels lonely to be the only one awake.
And it also takes a lot to hold back on late-night talks. Coming home from university and getting ready for bed immediately doesn’t feel as good as sitting on the couch and chilling and talking about life and stuff, even if it is late into the night.
Tell me. What should I do?
🆎 Every story involves choices
People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to actually live that story.
—Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years
I wonder if “the work it takes” includes sacrifices. Because every story — good or bad — involves choices. And every choice comes with a sacrifice for the other. Some are easy to make. Some are difficult.
Waking up at 5 means skipping the late-night talks to go to bed earlier. Choosing to indulge in late-night talks until early morning means waking up late, or waking up early and feeling like a total mess.
I said to Leni that I’m not sure. On one hand, I really want to build a good life, and getting good sleep is the prerequisite. On the other, I learned that your interpersonal relationships are the best indicator of happiness, and late-night talks have shown to help us cultivate a strong one.
To this, she said,
The connections you would make by spending more time “hustling” — at expense of close-knit relationships — are likely “professional”.
Professional relationships are nice to have. They can be like-minded people sharing similar visions and interests. You can get inspired by each other and grow together for the “good life” you desire. They are the unfair advantage you can capitalize on. You are the unfair advantage they can capitalize on.
But they are unlikely to be your “3 a.m. friends”.
On a number of occasions, friends have surprised me by calling me in the middle of night with a crisis. Perhaps they needed someone to support family members waiting tensely in an emergency room. Perhaps they were torn between a job opportunity and pursuing their dream. Perhaps they only needed to share a secret tearing them up inside.
I've come to realize that it is an honor to be trusted in moments like that. When someone shares their vulnerability, they are inviting us to know them in the solemn way.
—Charles Vogl, 3 a.m. Friends
I came across this idea some time ago. Thinking about it makes me wonder how terrible it would be if one doesn’t have any 3 a.m. friends. Not having people like that; not being one like that for someone else, must be scary. One must feel so lonely in this world.
But does it mean I should keep things the same and indulge in late-night talks without holding back?
To this, Leni added,
If talking late into the night makes you and your friends have a bad lifestyle and can’t do well the next day, it’s not worth it.
It seems like we are going in circles with no solution. The point I’m trying to make here is that every choice involves sacrifices. The key lies in making the best choice that makes the sacrifices worth it.
To do that, I have come to realize one thing.
📉 The Law of Diminishing Returns
In one of Ali Abdaal's early videos, he shared an underrated idea (probably quoted from How I Met Your Mother),
Nothing good happens after 2 a.m.
It wasn't life-changing, probably because I never had to deal with this "sleep vs late-night talk" dilemma. But now, I resonate with it. What Ali meant is the same as I do now.
In all late-night funs, there is a time threshold beyond which the fun diminishes and the harm sets in.
This is the Law of Diminishing Returns. There is a point when spending an hour chatting at 3 a.m. is less fun than at 11 p.m. It also goes beyond that — the return (fun) will turn negative (harm), possibly leading to net harm (if not a very little net return) to everyone involved.
What's the harm?
We talked about how staying up late makes you lose the next day. But it goes beyond that. For many times, I have found my thoughts becoming more extreme or pessimistic, owing to bad sleep. Losing clarity doesn’t feel good, because it leads you to make bad choices. It makes you do things that hurt yourself and say things that could hurt other people.
In other words, you sacrifice sleep to build strong interpersonal relationships, only to lose them as well in the long run.
What could be worse?
🍂 You won't remember much
This was in my diary a week ago.
I had my second late-night talk since coming back to this shared house about a week ago. This time, it began from 1 a.m. to 2.42 a.m. Why wasn’t I asleep? Because there was another late-night talk that happened from 10 p.m. until the time I joined. It could have stopped. It was my fault to join in that late.
It felt like a hangover (Never had one but it just felt like it). I thought it wouldn’t be that bad, then I woke up feeling like a mess. No matter how much I slept in, I still felt super tired. And I couldn’t remember much of what was talked about last night. I remember we had a small debate on education systems, but I don't remember much of the content, the process and the feelings.
I’m more convinced that this late-night talk format brings more cons than pros. It gives short-term, immediate pleasures but long-term suffering.
One reason I enjoyed reading Donald Miller's book was the way he started it.
The saddest thing about life is you don't remember half of it. You don't even remember half of half of it. Not even a tiny percentage, if you want to know the truth. I have this friend Bob who writes down everything he remembers. If he remembers dropping an ice cream cone on his lap when he was seven, he'll write it down. The last time I talked to Bob, he had written more than five hundred pages of memories. He's the only guy I know who remembers his life.
He said he capture memories, because if he forgets them, it's as though they didn't happen; it's as though he hadn't lived the parts he doesn't remember.
I don’t remember why I started journaling, but hoping to capture memories was one reason why I still do it. Donald highlighted the uncomfortable truth — you won’t remember much of your life.
That sucks. It sucks more when what we end up remembering turns up to be “bad” ones.
One well-established mistake is that we often judge experiences mainly by their endings: if you missed your flight on the last day of an enjoyable holiday, you’ll probably remember the holiday as bad.
—80,000 Hours, What Makes for a Dream Job
I thought about this. What if not remembering the fun isn’t the worst part? What if the worst part is remembering fun memories as bad because we passed the time threshold? Wouldn’t that make the first few hours of fun meaningless?
Unfair.
📌 Conclusion
At this point, we have come to an understanding.
Late-night talks with good people are fun, but past a time threshold, the fun diminishes and harm sets in, turning it into an overall bad experience with long-term consequences.
It is a problem that needs to be fixed, which is coming up in Part II this Sunday (28 Jan). See ya!
—Thomas🦙
P.S.
Well, well, well. I missed my Sunday (21 Jan) deadline a few days ago. This post was supposed to be a standalone work, but it got so long that I couldn’t get it done on time. I even ended up splitting it into two (maybe three). Urgh.
Writing this was a challenge, especially when figuring out how to piece the ideas together without sounding forced. Part II will be more of an in-depth analysis. I’m a little worried that it may not be a story worth reading. But I’m excited to see what comes out :3
P.P.S.
It’s me on Jan 30. Missed the 28 Jan deadline :/
🏆 Weekly Gold
Each week, I share something I found interesting with you. It could be a song, a book, a quote, or a YouTube video that blew my mind.
Here’s the gold this week 👇
I was introduced to this song by a friend (another one). Recently, it has been the first song I play when opening up Spotify #notsponsored. Love the vibes.
Other credits:
Cover photo by Kevin Erdvig on Unsplash.